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DIRTY JOBS!

It’s a dirty job, but somebody’s got to do it” is a phrase often used regarding performing duties that are anything but pleasant. For instance being a sewer worker is not on the top of the hope lists of many, unless you are “The Honeymooner’s Ed Norton, or a member of a rodent family. The phrase is also used sarcastically for those things that are pleasant experiences. For example, waterskiing nude with Jennifer Anniston would be a welcome chore to many a man, but of course, we’d force ourself to do it.

There is actually a program on the Discovery Channel devoted to bringing you less than stellar jobs which are performed each episode by the lively host, Mike Rowe. Their program brings you such activities as working in a rock quarry, digging caves for wine, and a perennial favorite, Yak farming. Now of course there are plenty of jobs Mr. Rowe performs that involve, mud, dust, dirt and waste.

In everyday life there are some pretty monotonous work most of us have to put up with, but sweeping the floor or scrubbing the bathroom toilet with a toothbrush is about as far as it goes. Now mind you, if that sweeping involves using the family dog as the dust-mop, or utilizing your annoying little brother’s toothbrush for the bathroom, then it is not so unbearable. Actually it can involve a little bit of snickering on your part.

Traversing under the house in a crawlspace can be pretty bothersome, but its nothing compared to getting caught in your parent’s bedroom closet while searching for dad’s porno magazines or mom’s special marital aids. It’s much worse if you hear them coming, hide in the closet, and then dear ol’ mom and dad, thinking you are out of the house, decide to “get it on.” By the way, that’s the phrase that their generation used for it “back in the day.” Timeline-wise, that would be somewhere between the disappearance of the dinosaurs and the invention of dirt. Having to endure “the moves of the ancients” can be life altering if the closet is one of those with slats in the door.

One of the dirtiest jobs I ever dealt with was at gunpoint from a woman named Melissa, who practically attacked unusual parts of my body while I rested under a banyan tree in the Caribbean. Now that is pressure, but she certainly could perform being a dirty girl, and luckily finding the right dirty white boy for her antics. Not so comical but definitely a point loss for the heavenly bound.

One of the hardest jobs to achieve is to make people laugh. For every five tries you might get a snicker. Try for ten and you might get someone to really relieving stress with laughter. At my house I’m the funny one. Ever sarcastic, and with a captive audience, I can perpetrate humor upon my housemates until they either laugh, or throw me into the nearest wishing-well. Naturally the well is dry, and I’m too big for it, so once they realize their mistake, guilt will set in, and they’ll eventually have to find a troupe of Amish barn builders to gather the team of mules and pull me to safety. I know the fanfare, and it will be on every network. Until then, I’m just stuck here typing away on my laughter, trying to get a rise out of you. It’s a dirty filthy place to be working from. Then again, it’s a dirty job and somebody’s got to do it!

ROAD RAGE!

What is wrong with people? I know a little lady who thinks that yelling and screaming at people driving stupidly from behind a steering wheel is a sign of “road rage.” The latest namby-pamby coin of a phrase from doctoral eggheads looking to justify their existence, not only has turned “road rage” into an axiom, but it has pushed the concept into the American psychological lexicon. In the course of the average week, what big city commuter doesn’t have a couple of eye-popping, vein bulging gasket blowing, conniptions behind the wheel? This isn’t road-rage! It is merely the free expression of healthy ideas; mainly that the other guy needs to learn to care about us by getting the hell out of our way, or else crawl off to the shoulder and die.

This dynamic is what folks in the 1970’s, and before, simply referred to as driving. It was back in the day before seatbelts were introduced into cars. People were tough then;. even riders and children who were assured of their toughness by the hardness of their skulls bashing against dashboards all over America. Thank goodness you could put a Saint Christopher statue on your dash to watch over your bloody scalp without it being banned by politically correct anti-religious zealots! It is the great American past time to add some gentle critique on every other drivers skill level while emphasizing the high points with selected, suggestive gesturing.

Unfortunately the collegiate think-tanks have invented the concept of “anger management.” Of course “road rage” is one small portion which falls under the behemoth category of “anger management.”. You are heaped into this large category of offenders if you articulate your points of view emphatically while driving. This of course tends to frighten the timid bleeding heart, idealistic, commune-dwelling types. They are really at the heart of this big anger conspiracy. Their mommy’s didn’t hold them often enough when they were baby monkeys, and now everything scares them, including loud voices, backfiring cars, and people who disagree with them in the work place enough to staple their fingers to their desktop..

Immediately vocalizing your feelings rather than creating a pent up frustration has medical value. It is much healthier to express those feelings right away than to hold them back. Behind the wheel of a motorized, propelled, three ton vehicle, it is imperative to remain healthy! Much like the pressure cooker on a stovetop, the little safety valve of yelling and screaming through a closed window at complete strangers that just denied you a road-wise courtesy prevents maladies such as busting blood vessels that would explode and shoot your eyeballs from their sockets up against the inside of your car’s windshield. Unless you were wearing glasses, the outcome could delay arriving at your destination on time.

The real wacky ones are the drivers who stop their car, open the door and try to challenge you at your door side. Now that is taking speech into the realm of action, and is one step too far. That is how you can tell if there is really road rage. So be wary of loopy psychos that don’t know where to draw the line. The next time that some “fruit-loop” exits their vehicle to tell you how you didn’t give enough “signal time” before you changed lanes in front of him; you know you are facing road rage. As long as you keep your doors locked and your windows rolled up you should feel comfortable telling him what you think of him. Use selected fingers to dot your exclamation point. Now once he takes a swing at your window only then maybe, can you run him over!