WHO'S THE DOG?

We have a new puppy in our house. A decade of fighting against the inevitable, down the drain! My mind was against a pet for so long because my daughter wasn’t old enough or responsible enough to clean up after herself let alone another living creature.

A few months ago out of sheer chance we attended a family function complete with new puppies. Damn the family! Finally mom and dad relented and consented. Alas, another hungry mouth to feed at home.

She is a loving creature, but much more of a baby than our daughter use to be in her infancy. When we leave the house and puppy stays behind. She whines like Rocker Axl Rose trying to hit notes three octaves too high. She sort of sounds like an alley cat on steroids hanging from a cliff or Rod Steward after a regular night on the town; which is kinda the same thing. I like a little noise to make sure I still have my hearing, but the only kind of high pitched whining I want to hear is one that is calling out God’s name. Its the one that always has my neighbors whispering to each other when my wife and I reappear from our house.

The new puppy follows the Mrs. Around like she’s a baby duckling. She is afraid of my manly voice, and of course she pays little attention to her true owner; our “I swear I’ll take care of her” daughter!

When we go outside the puppy must follow. When we go in the bathroom the dog is there. When we hit the sack the new addition is between us. I like a little affection as much as the next guy, but our home is quite warm so I’m not really looking for a three-dog-night. We never let our daughter sleep with us when she was a child, but the dog gets away with everything.

She chews up shoes. and doesn’t get spanked. She chews up electrical power cords, and doesn’t get electrocuted. She eats pens like they were bon-bons, and I swear she laughs at us whenever our backs are turned.

There is a critical part in the movie “When Harry Met Sally” when Harry (Billy Crystal) explains to Sally (Meg Ryan) that he slept with her out of pity, effectively ruining their friendship. He says she had looked up at him with those big sad puppy dog eyes in her moment of weakness. “What was I suppose to do?” he asks her. Is one of us supposed to be a dog in this scenario?” she boils. "Yes you are" he replies. “I’m the dog?” she says repeatedly angry, and not believing her ears. Sex for almost any reason, even pity, will get men into trouble. The same may be true in the dog world.

Outside on a leash our puppy romps after birds, barks and whines at passing dogs and longs to enjoy the good life. It puts me in mind of my own youth. The older I get the younger everyone else looks, especially women. It is a place where I can no longer go! When I was growing up all of the attractive ladies were just that, ladies. They were at least in their 20’s. As every decade has passed the sleek bodies and trim waistlines have garnered more and more of my attention. The problem is that they have gotten progressively sexier and much younger too.

Madonna and Brittany Spears are to blame for pointing out that fourteen year old Lolita's can be in every household. Now there are girls that are not even teenagers that look like those “women” I use to adore looking at when I was twelve. Unfortunately today they are the twelve year olds!

My daughter played soccer this fall and her teammates, all 10 and 11 year olds, had a higher proportion of boobs per capita than any group of girls has a right to claim. It worries me for our future, mine and the dog.

Is it wrong to notice these things, or is it more improper to be pushing sex upon our young children? Is it improper to keep introducing steroids into our food supply (beef, and pork) that causes these young girls to have bigger chests than Dolly (Parton not the family cow)? The same chemicals create little girls with tushies large enough to make Sir-Mix-A-Lot sing! heck the food contamination is spread so evenly even the boys are getting boobs!

Perhaps it is that I am observant, or maybe I’m turning into a dirty old man. The problem is that I’m not that old. Old keeps getting older, the older I get!

In the puppy’s world, owners have to be careful because the males know when a bitch comes into heart. Since I hit middle age, I have the same keen canine sense when it comes to that sort of lady. I should be worried, but I’m too preoccupied with every curve and the wiggle that goes with them.

As it turns out what I notice most now is that which is not available to me. The skirt chasing days were put to bed when I woke up from a foggish stupor uttering the words “I do.” Still in my older years I can put my sniffer to the wind and find the red hot mammas. Oh yes it is well known in my house; I’m the dog.!