IF THE SHOE FITS!

How do you fit twelve pounds of sausage into a bag fit for six? Any trip with your favorite lady to the store reveals the latest ridiculous trend in women’s shoes, and coincidentally offers a comparative answer to the sausage question. Pointed shoes are all the rage lately. Not since the Spanish Inquisition have such devices been employed upon the human body.Given that most women even with a curvaceous foot have significant width from heel to toe, it is remarkable to note that they not only attempt, but also succeed in squeezing 5 toes in the tapering space fit for a drinking straw.Of course if you’ve spent any time out while your lady is in a pair of these torture devices you know you’re in for a night with the queen of mood, shooting looks at you as if you were the one turning the screws on her foot dilemma. Later, you’re assured to be servicing her with a foot massage worthy of Cleopatra.

Like most men who have dreamt of that spare room in their house becoming the den, you end up losing the space with the formation of the “shoe room”. You give it up quite easily when she threatens that either she gets proper space for her abundance of footgear or she wants another baby. Since men desire children slightly less than a trip to the proctologist for a classic turn your head and cough visit, she wins the day and your auspicious library becomes the Imelda Marcos Memorial Footwear Gallery.

How can a woman who only has two feet require so many shoes? Men generally can live with a pair of athletic shoes, a pair of boots, one set of dress shoes and a pair of sandals for use during those Jesus Complex moments. Women faced with such few footwear choices would wither, and be blown away in the faintest of winds.

“Shoes for every occasion”, means that she has as many pairs as Hallmark has greeting cards. If she needs that special pale blue spiked heel pump with the design on top resembling a yarmulka because she is participating in her nephews bar mitzvah, then she has to be prepared for it. The shoe room is the place you’ll find that special something.

So many pairs are there that she could open a shoe store of her own if she ever had the desire. Think of the carnage. Have you ever watched eager shoppers set loose on the latest Candies to hit the market during a special introductory offer? The elbowing strategy between women going for the limited supply is unspeakable. It might make interesting entertainment for some men, but such brinksmanship should not be condoned even if it looks similar to naked mud wrestling or a Saturday night in the roller derby rink.

Perhaps the truth of the matter is that women simply have so many shoes because they just don’t throw anything away. Over the years she’s collected shoes because she has to go shopping for a new pair for every birthday, wedding, and trash day that passes. So how come with a mountain of shoes occupying your potential solarium she still needs more? Men can’t figure it out.

The overabundance of probably means she is an older woman. Make no reference to such a thing unless you want to spend the next 6 weeks sleeping on the couch in between the punitive repercussions of having to polish all of that footwear to get back into her good graces. It’s hard to explain pink polish under your fingernails to the guys down at the rock quarry.

A wise fellow might envision a game room with a pinball, soccer, and billiard tables, or even Pacman to fill the void. Unfortunately, that pipedream has been replaced by a million soles that are stomping all over your dream. They’re taking up that space so her feet can be happy when a pair of oxfords is called for at the annual PTA meeting or karaoke night in front of the town drunks. “Hey as long as she’s happy”, the thought goes. Then you think that perhaps you can convince her that to put an addition on the house and get your game-room after all. You might get her to go along with the idea, but realize when she smiles at the prospect that she isn’t seeing late night billiards with a little bar in the corner and a drink in her hand. She’s actually calculating how many more racks of shoes will fit in the new space, and how many more years she has to fill it with the latest shoe fashions well into her geriatric years. When it finally hits you what she’s up to it’ll be too late.

After your stroke you can be sure she’ll give you a proper burial like that of the family pet; with a quick service in the backyard. Naturally she'll have the perfect shoes for the occasion. You of course will be laid to rest in a shoe box.

THE FRIENDLY SKIES?

If ever you’ve been on an airplane, the experience can be as stressful as a day at the salt mine. To board your plane on time you have to arrive at the airport hours in advance while your jet is still refueling in Cucamonga.If you are lucky enough to traverse the maze of a metropolitan airport you know how much energy it takes to travel, and that’s just reaching a gate! It’s no wonder they call it a terminal! There are shops filled with $7 coffee, flip flops for $10 (you can get a bushel of ‘em for a buck at the dollar store), and my favorite, the airport bar. Getting a healthy airline size drink (the kind that comes in a Billy Barty baby sized bottle) can cost you twelve bucks. In my day that was a month of beer money.

The airline industry is the only one where you can buy a product (a ticket) and find out that “ooops we sold too many”. If you want to get squeezed on the plane you’ll have to sit in the bathroom for the flight. Talk about your mile high club!

You could of course wait in the airport for another flight. “There will be another one along shortly,” is attendant doublespeak meaning “pull up a trash-bag pillow for a few hours pal and enjoy a snooze on the floor of the skid row airport hotel”. Sometimes during holidays you’ll see rows of bodies in the airport Bowery.

You’ll find yourself wheezing when you finally arrive at your gate which is usually after a mile and a half jaunt. Often large airports take travelers to long distance gates via some sort of semi-altered golf cart. That thing is always loaded with enough people to make it look like monkeys clinging to the banana tree at harvest time.

All of these honors you get to endure after you have been subjected to security! If you look like Habib the Gypsy Boy then they may take a glance at you. Inexplicably though, if you seem more like Grandma Moses, Pa Kettle, or Average Joe you might have anything inflicted upon you from the shoe search given by a frustrated out of work porn actor tuned security wiz with a foot fetish, to a full out strip search by the guy who always wanted to be a proctologist but couldn’t cut it because of his oversized knuckles!

Once on the plane you have wonderful options of entertainment. The first course is the stewardess doing the crash run through to a chorus of cackles from the indifferent and sarcastic passengers. These fellow passengers will have the fear of God in their eye as they fight you for the flotation device that’s under your butt if the big nose dive comes.

Today’s stewardess crews are tougher than the prim and prissy types of the past. Though they have a pleasant smile they seem more like your sister during that time of the month. They’re not much fun in an enclosed space for five or ten thousand miles. It’s almost like enduring adolescence all over again.

Seats that are as comfortable as a bus terminal bench and poor ventilation make your trip all the more precious. Add a few screaming babies and you’d be in steerage on the boat from ol’ Calcutta.

Of course it’s not all bad. Modern marvels of aerospace technology have you going from coast to coast in a matter hours. You’ll be grateful enough that when you land you’ll kiss the ground under your feet. That is of course until you find out that while you may be in New York; your luggage is in Denmark having a better vacation than you!!