GAS APPRECIATION!

Don’t be misled by the title of this column. It’s a touchy odiferous subject, but harnessing the power of gas could save the world! It is somehow always credited to dad, his nightly bottle of beer and his three bean cassarole. However, there is something to be said for the ancient dinosaurs that gave their lives to become the goo in the ground that have powered incalculable numbers of batteries in countless vibrators (note the sexual overtone).

It seems that the U.S. population is looking at the current economic energy worries from the wrong perspective. The snooty owners of art pieces are familiar with the prospect of products that appreciate in value rather than steadily becoming as worthless as your dad’s underwear with its stringy worn out elastic. Those are the ones dear old dad wears until there are so many holes in them that there is no longer a mystery for the declining population problem. What’s with all of this picking on poppa?

The spiraling price of petroleum offers an example of gas appreciation. Sure gasoline is $4 per gallon at the pump and a barrel of oil is worth over $127 per barrel. The gloomy middle class is complaining when they should be reveling! The value of that super-tanker SUV that they’ve been forced to park in their driveway with the full tank of gas in it keeps appreciating in value everyday, thanks to gas. Had owners wisely parked them a year ago, the fuel inside would be worth at least at least 33% more. Where else could the common man have invested so little and gained a return to rival that of the legendary Hillary cattle futures swindle…..er….revenue?

Think about profit rather than cost and it will put your mind at ease. The 5 gallon gas-can parked by the lawn mower now needs its own security detail because its contents have become so valuable. Last year a pauper could have purchased one of those gold-securing red plastic beauties, but now middle class working folk are struggling to keep hold of theirs! We can’t be too destitute though, if we all still leave $20 bills laying around in our gardening sheds in the form of unguarded fuel in those plastic cans that are ripe for the plucking. Somebody with enough stealth who could have invaded the gasoline henhouse and filled their tank when oil was $10 a barrel, but now they risk being set upon by the family Doberman trained to sniff stray gas fumes on the crotch of thieves. Nobody wants a Pincher wrapped around them humping their leg, or sinking its teeth into their tush, but the gamble might be worth it now that gas is so valuable.

Keep in mind also, that there are plenty of other valuable fuels that are much more expensive. McAnything meals are valued at over $5 each, a gallon of whisky is worth over $20, and KY Jelly is a $265 per gallon commodity; so astronomical in price that it boggles the mind even when it is not trembling thighs.

So what are we to make of the rising value of gas? The ecological ninny’s that run around to complain are ruining the greatest commodity appreciation for the working man in a generation by demanding something silly like fuel efficiency. The fear of running out of the stuff, and increased demand are wedge arguments that rob American’s the reward of seeing their big trucks filled up one day, and the same fuel being worth 50% more a week later. You couldn’t receive such a return had you cornered the wiener market at a dachshund convention. With all of the tree hugging namby-pamby crunch- granola types whining about waste, perhaps they could put their own energy into a useful venture. Maybe they should start a movement to capture some methane that is being wasted at the number one natural gas producing location in America; dear old dad reclining nightly in his Lazy-Boy rocker. He is a reliable source, and given the usual the noises, one could believe that it is possible to harness enough energy to light up an entire household from one simple taco guacamole and bean chalupa. Of course we won’t have the same appreciation for gas like we do now, but then again someone has to make the sacrifice for the good of the country in order to appreciate gas!