IF THE SHOE FITS!
How do you fit twelve pounds of sausage into a bag fit for six? Any trip with your favorite lady to the store reveals the latest ridiculous trend in women’s shoes and coincidentally offers a comparative answer to the sausage question. Pointed shoes are all the rage lately. Not since the Spanish Inquisition have such devices been employed upon the human body.
Given that most women even with a curvaceous foot have significant width in their foot from heel to toe it is remarkable to note that they not only attempt, but also succeed in squeezing 5 toes in the tapering space fit for only a couple digits.
Of course if you’ve spent any time out with a lady in a pair of these torture devices you know you’re in for a night with the queen of mood, shooting looks at you as if you were the one turning the screws on her foot dilemma. Later, you’re assured to be servicing her with a foot massage worthy of Cleopatra. Add a bunch of grapes and hand held fans, and you could be in Egypt or some similar sort of bondage scene.
Like most men who have dreamt of that spare room becoming the den, you end up losing the space with the formation of the “shoe room”. You give it up quite easily when she threatens that either she gets proper space for her abundance of footgear or she wants another baby. Since men desire children slightly less than a trip to the proctologist for a classic turn your head and cough visit, she wins the day and your auspicious library becomes the Imelda Marcos Memorial Footwear Room.
How can a woman who only has two feet require so many thousands of shoes? Men generally can live with a pair of athletic shoes, a pair of boots, one set of dress shoes and a pair of sandals for those Jesus Complex moments. Women with so few footwear choices would wither, and be blown away in the faintest of winds.
“Shoes for every occasion”, means that she has as many pairs as Hallmark has greeting cards. If she needs that special pale blue spiked heel pump with the design on top resembling a yarmulka because she is participating in her nephews bar mitzvah, then she has to be prepared for it. The shoe room is the place you’ll find that special something.
So many pairs are there that she could open a shoe store of her own if she ever had the desire. Considering normal outlet peddlers, it is a good idea to stand aside when a group of ladies is set loose on the latest Candies that hit the market with the special introductory offer. The butchery between women in a race to beat one another to the limited supply is unspeakable. It might make interesting entertainment for some men, but such carnage should not be condoned even if it looks similar to naked mud wrestling down in the shoe pit.
Perhaps the truth of the matter is that women simply have so many shoes because they just don’t throw anything away. Over the years she’s collected shoes from the fact that she has to go shopping for a new pair for every birthday, wedding, and trash day that passes. So how come with a mountain of shoes occupying your potential solarium she still needs more? Men can’t figure it out. The more shoes she has probably means she is an older woman. Make no reference to such a thing unless you want to spend the next 6 weeks sleeping on the couch in between the punitive repercussions of having to polish all of those shoes to get back into her good graces. It’s hard to explain pink polish under your fingernails to the guys down art the rock quarry.
A wise fellow might dream of a game room with a pinball, soccer, and billiard tables, or Pacman to fill the void. Unfortunately, that pipedream has been replaced by a million soles that are stomping all over your dream. They’re taking up that space so her feet can be happy when a pair of oxfords is called for at the annual PTA meeting or karaoke night in front of the town drunks. “Hey as long as she’s happy”, the thought goes. Then perhaps I can convince her that we could put an addition on the house and get my game-room. You might get her to go along with the idea at last, but realize when she smiles at the prospect that she isn’t seeing late night billiards with a little bar in the corner and a drink in her hand. She’s actually calculating how many more racks of shoes will fit in the new space, and how many more years she has to fill it with the latest shoe fashions well into her geriatric years. When it finally hits you what she’s up to it’ll be too late. After your stroke you can be sure she’ll give you a proper burial like that of the family pet with a quick service in the backyard. Naturally she'll have the perfect shoes for the occasion. You of course will be laid to rest in a shoe box.
Given that most women even with a curvaceous foot have significant width in their foot from heel to toe it is remarkable to note that they not only attempt, but also succeed in squeezing 5 toes in the tapering space fit for only a couple digits.
Of course if you’ve spent any time out with a lady in a pair of these torture devices you know you’re in for a night with the queen of mood, shooting looks at you as if you were the one turning the screws on her foot dilemma. Later, you’re assured to be servicing her with a foot massage worthy of Cleopatra. Add a bunch of grapes and hand held fans, and you could be in Egypt or some similar sort of bondage scene.
Like most men who have dreamt of that spare room becoming the den, you end up losing the space with the formation of the “shoe room”. You give it up quite easily when she threatens that either she gets proper space for her abundance of footgear or she wants another baby. Since men desire children slightly less than a trip to the proctologist for a classic turn your head and cough visit, she wins the day and your auspicious library becomes the Imelda Marcos Memorial Footwear Room.
How can a woman who only has two feet require so many thousands of shoes? Men generally can live with a pair of athletic shoes, a pair of boots, one set of dress shoes and a pair of sandals for those Jesus Complex moments. Women with so few footwear choices would wither, and be blown away in the faintest of winds.
“Shoes for every occasion”, means that she has as many pairs as Hallmark has greeting cards. If she needs that special pale blue spiked heel pump with the design on top resembling a yarmulka because she is participating in her nephews bar mitzvah, then she has to be prepared for it. The shoe room is the place you’ll find that special something.
So many pairs are there that she could open a shoe store of her own if she ever had the desire. Considering normal outlet peddlers, it is a good idea to stand aside when a group of ladies is set loose on the latest Candies that hit the market with the special introductory offer. The butchery between women in a race to beat one another to the limited supply is unspeakable. It might make interesting entertainment for some men, but such carnage should not be condoned even if it looks similar to naked mud wrestling down in the shoe pit.
Perhaps the truth of the matter is that women simply have so many shoes because they just don’t throw anything away. Over the years she’s collected shoes from the fact that she has to go shopping for a new pair for every birthday, wedding, and trash day that passes. So how come with a mountain of shoes occupying your potential solarium she still needs more? Men can’t figure it out. The more shoes she has probably means she is an older woman. Make no reference to such a thing unless you want to spend the next 6 weeks sleeping on the couch in between the punitive repercussions of having to polish all of those shoes to get back into her good graces. It’s hard to explain pink polish under your fingernails to the guys down art the rock quarry.
A wise fellow might dream of a game room with a pinball, soccer, and billiard tables, or Pacman to fill the void. Unfortunately, that pipedream has been replaced by a million soles that are stomping all over your dream. They’re taking up that space so her feet can be happy when a pair of oxfords is called for at the annual PTA meeting or karaoke night in front of the town drunks. “Hey as long as she’s happy”, the thought goes. Then perhaps I can convince her that we could put an addition on the house and get my game-room. You might get her to go along with the idea at last, but realize when she smiles at the prospect that she isn’t seeing late night billiards with a little bar in the corner and a drink in her hand. She’s actually calculating how many more racks of shoes will fit in the new space, and how many more years she has to fill it with the latest shoe fashions well into her geriatric years. When it finally hits you what she’s up to it’ll be too late. After your stroke you can be sure she’ll give you a proper burial like that of the family pet with a quick service in the backyard. Naturally she'll have the perfect shoes for the occasion. You of course will be laid to rest in a shoe box.
posted by Giosue' Santarelli at 9:24 AM
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