The Friendly Skies?
Is there anything like time away from the old grind? If ever you’ve been on an airplane the experience can be as stressful as a day at the salt mine. In the modern world you have to arrive at the airport 3 hours ahead of time while your jet is still refueling in kookamonga or some other such part of the country.
If you are lucky enough to traverse the maze of the metropolitan airport you know how much energy it takes to travel, and that’s just reaching a gate! It’s no wonder they call it a terminal! You could die by the time you get there.
There are shops filled with $3 coffee, gift shops with flip flops for $10 (you can get a bushel of ‘em at the dollar store), and my favorite the airport bar. Getting a healthy airline size drink (the kind that comes in a Billy Barty sized bottle) can cost you five to ten bucks. In my day that was a month of beer money or a weeks worth of cover charges to Dr. Slaphappy’s massage and jerk parlor! Oh for the good old days.
Today you stand in the airport cattle line to be confronted with snotty airline clerks who are frustrated yet delusional would-be pms pilots. They service with a different kind of a smile.
The airline industry is the only one where you can buy a product (a ticket) and get to the airport to find out that “ooops we sold too many tickets” or that there’s not enough tiny bags of packaged nuts for you. If you want to get on a plane you’ll have to sit in the bathroom for the flight or out on the wing. Talk about your mile high club! You could of course wait in the airport for another flight. “There will be another one along shortly,” is attendant code phrasing for “pull up a trash-bag pillow for a few hours pal and enjoy your sleep on the floor of the skid row airport hotel”. Sometimes you’ll see rows and rows of bodies on the airport floor in a kind of Bowery slum holding pattern.
Once you get your self straitened out you’ll find yourself wheezing when you finally arrive at your gate which is usually after a mile and a half jaunt. They usually have some sort of semi-altered golf cart that that is loaded with enough people to make it look like monkeys clinging to the banana tree at harvest time. Then just to make you feel your age when you finally arrive at your gate they take the handicapped wheel chair bound folks first. C’mon they got to ride the whole way there and you had to jog it! Just whose heart do they think is going to give out first?
All of these honors you get to endure after you have been subjected to security! If you look like Habib the Gypsy Boy then they may have a look at you. If you seem more like Grandma Moses, Pa Kettle, or Average Joe you might have anything inflicted upon your from the shoe search given by a frustrated out of work porn actor tuned security wiz whose got a foot fetish to a full out strip search by the guy who always wanted to be a proctologist but couldn’t cut it because of his oversized knuckles!
Once on the plane you have wonderful options of entertainment. The first course is the stewardess doing the crash run through to a chorus of cackles from the indifferent and sarcastic passengers. These are the same folks who will have the fear of God in their eye as they fight you for the flotation device that’s under your butt when the big nose dive and ditching comes.
Food fit for canning and more midget alcohol is available on board. It used to be that stewardesses looked like super models and famous actresses. Today they are tougher and though they have a pleasant smile they seem more like your sister on her period. They’re not much fun in an enclosed space for five or ten thousand miles. It’s almost like enduring adolescence all over again.
Seats that are as comfortable as a bus terminal bench and poor ventilation make your trip all the more precious. Add a few screaming babies and you’d be in steerage on the boat from ol’ Calcutta
Of course it’s not all bad. Modern marvels of aerospace technology have you going from coast to coast in a matter of four or five hours. You’ll be grateful enough that when you land you’ll kiss the ground under your feet after you disembark. That is of course until you find out that while you may be in New York; your luggage is in Denmark having a better vacation than you!
If you are lucky enough to traverse the maze of the metropolitan airport you know how much energy it takes to travel, and that’s just reaching a gate! It’s no wonder they call it a terminal! You could die by the time you get there.
There are shops filled with $3 coffee, gift shops with flip flops for $10 (you can get a bushel of ‘em at the dollar store), and my favorite the airport bar. Getting a healthy airline size drink (the kind that comes in a Billy Barty sized bottle) can cost you five to ten bucks. In my day that was a month of beer money or a weeks worth of cover charges to Dr. Slaphappy’s massage and jerk parlor! Oh for the good old days.
Today you stand in the airport cattle line to be confronted with snotty airline clerks who are frustrated yet delusional would-be pms pilots. They service with a different kind of a smile.
The airline industry is the only one where you can buy a product (a ticket) and get to the airport to find out that “ooops we sold too many tickets” or that there’s not enough tiny bags of packaged nuts for you. If you want to get on a plane you’ll have to sit in the bathroom for the flight or out on the wing. Talk about your mile high club! You could of course wait in the airport for another flight. “There will be another one along shortly,” is attendant code phrasing for “pull up a trash-bag pillow for a few hours pal and enjoy your sleep on the floor of the skid row airport hotel”. Sometimes you’ll see rows and rows of bodies on the airport floor in a kind of Bowery slum holding pattern.
Once you get your self straitened out you’ll find yourself wheezing when you finally arrive at your gate which is usually after a mile and a half jaunt. They usually have some sort of semi-altered golf cart that that is loaded with enough people to make it look like monkeys clinging to the banana tree at harvest time. Then just to make you feel your age when you finally arrive at your gate they take the handicapped wheel chair bound folks first. C’mon they got to ride the whole way there and you had to jog it! Just whose heart do they think is going to give out first?
All of these honors you get to endure after you have been subjected to security! If you look like Habib the Gypsy Boy then they may have a look at you. If you seem more like Grandma Moses, Pa Kettle, or Average Joe you might have anything inflicted upon your from the shoe search given by a frustrated out of work porn actor tuned security wiz whose got a foot fetish to a full out strip search by the guy who always wanted to be a proctologist but couldn’t cut it because of his oversized knuckles!
Once on the plane you have wonderful options of entertainment. The first course is the stewardess doing the crash run through to a chorus of cackles from the indifferent and sarcastic passengers. These are the same folks who will have the fear of God in their eye as they fight you for the flotation device that’s under your butt when the big nose dive and ditching comes.
Food fit for canning and more midget alcohol is available on board. It used to be that stewardesses looked like super models and famous actresses. Today they are tougher and though they have a pleasant smile they seem more like your sister on her period. They’re not much fun in an enclosed space for five or ten thousand miles. It’s almost like enduring adolescence all over again.
Seats that are as comfortable as a bus terminal bench and poor ventilation make your trip all the more precious. Add a few screaming babies and you’d be in steerage on the boat from ol’ Calcutta
Of course it’s not all bad. Modern marvels of aerospace technology have you going from coast to coast in a matter of four or five hours. You’ll be grateful enough that when you land you’ll kiss the ground under your feet after you disembark. That is of course until you find out that while you may be in New York; your luggage is in Denmark having a better vacation than you!
posted by Giosue' Santarelli at 8:21 AM
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