ABSURDITIES
Absurd (ab-surd) adj. contrary to all reason or common sense; illogical, ridiculous.
What is it that makes a bank robber not only hand the teller a note demanding all of her money but at the same time give her his paycheck and deposit slip with his name on it? What makes a visitor to the local fast food joint get out of the car to go inside to use the bathroom but then get back in the car and wait to go through to the drive thru window? Just what does make a 65 year old balding man go to the barber to get a hair cut? These are fascinating studies in human behavioral oddity and absolutely true cases. We have all probably heard of cases such as these but how many of us are willing to admit to out own similar stupidity? Not me brother! I meant to walk into that solid wooden door because I am conducting an acoustical study into how many different sounds can be categorized as a “thud.” That sound you heard when I was under the table trying to stand up was also part of the same project. I am secretly trying to find out how many lumps on one person can have on their head before they can no longer see strait. I am slowly approaching the state where I can no longer comfortably wear a baseball cap.
My child is in on the act too. She is trying to climb and fall from enough monkey bars, trip over as many curbs, and run into as many objects as she can to accumulate bruises. She’s trying to look like an over ripe banana.
The other woman in my life has always had as an ultimate goal having every part of her body hurt, broken, lumpy, oozing, or wiggling at one time or another during her lifespan. She’s been at it for as long as I’ve known her. Don’t stand next to her or she’ll take you down too. She loves to grab and fall! Her favorite phrase is “aawwwww shhhhhhh…..” I don’t want to say she has a balance problem but she does do a startlingly amusing slick stairway tap dance as anyone I have ever seen! Every time I think she has completed her task of hurting body parts she comes up with another one I’d almost forgot existed on a human being. You haven’t lived until you hear improbable words like “my eye lashes hurt.” “Stop letting the gopher pull them out” I tell her. She doesn’t listen. I’m sure that’s because she has earaches or something.
Human stupidity is never more evident then when watching Jerry Lewis, Jim Carey, or John Belushi in action. Theirs are case studies in the ability to harness observation of stupidity, exaggerate it, and play it back in a manner that has the average shmoe busting a gut. Once hooked we don’t mind shelling out hundreds of dollars to see these genius’ perform the material that we provide them! Who’s yankin’ who?
What passes for wisdom in the modern era is kind of like clutching the wind. You know its there somewhere but the forces of nature won’t let you see it. We all do things that seem out of character from time to time. However a woman’s salon that applies peanut butter instead of toenail polish would be a bit out there! Selling entrance through the pearly gates that guarantees you a spot in heaven is just such an idea whose time has come. There is actually a company who is making this claim. Looking back on my illustrious life I realize its time to belly up and pay!
Just think of all of the things you have done in your lifetime that are contrary to “normal conventions. I don’t mean just the boo-boos that everyone has seen. I mean the truly nonsensical behavior that only your lover and an ER doctor with exceptionally cold hands has ever seen. Who would have thought that would get stuck in there?
For the amount of people on this planet it is rather remarkable that we are not hearing such absurdities excessively and laughing ourselves silly.
Look around you! Why do us overweight types always spend a mere 35 seconds choosing a restaurant? We have the innate ability to pass a local establishment, put our piggish noses in the air, and get a whiff of whether they serve enough calories per square inch in their slap happy deal! We require, by the way, enough caloric intake to make a pachyderm happy. We always select the restaurant with the absolutely worst, greasy, cholesterol raising, artery clogging, heart thickening version of food. Then to counter balance the bad karma we’ve created we all do the same thing. We order a diet soda to go with it!
Just listen to our conversations to see the kind of communication that typifies such farce? “I lost my keys and looked everywhere for them. I finally found them. It’s always in the last place ya look ya know!” That last part has become quite a catch phrase. Well who finds something and keeps looking for it? Of course it’s in the last place you looked you dunce!
This is the kind of stellar logic that we have been instilling in kids for years. They learn more of it in school too. They can’t add, read, or write, but they sure can choose the correct eye popping ensemble to impress the recess crowd! They can’t play dodge ball anymore because someone might get hit by the ball and their face could fall off. You can’t let 'em swing from the swing set too high or they might go too far, fall off, and bruise their tush. Apparently all of those teacher in service day holidays that leave your kids a day off every month is in place so the teachers try to recover. Just try dealing with the least logical of us and you’d end up looking like a teacher too. Their eyes aren’t that wide open because their attentive. It’s because they spend so much time with illogical kids that the stress is forcing their eyes to bulge! There is little wonder why periodically you hear from your kid “I don’t like that teacher! Well guess what kid you’ve driven them to have to have a day away from you ever month just as a reality check! They don’t like you either!
At school ya can’t even let the children walk the hallways during classes any more unless they’re in pairs. This is how all of the adult ladies learned that they can’t go to the bathroom tinkle without a partner in the next stall. That’s why they go to the bathroom in pairs. Guys are not taught this in school. Contrarily boys learn individualism and competition usually in the form of some long distance whizzing competition when the teachers aren’t looking. That is equally remarkable because guys who as children use to wave that thing over the bathroom shelter themselves in the stall so no one will see what they’re hiding! Whatta ya got in there?
In any event all of these amusing behaviors are perpetrated upon ourselves! Whenever self inflicted stupidity rears its head you can bet that there is a partner there laughing with you and a cold handed ER doctor to laugh at you!
What is it that makes a bank robber not only hand the teller a note demanding all of her money but at the same time give her his paycheck and deposit slip with his name on it? What makes a visitor to the local fast food joint get out of the car to go inside to use the bathroom but then get back in the car and wait to go through to the drive thru window? Just what does make a 65 year old balding man go to the barber to get a hair cut? These are fascinating studies in human behavioral oddity and absolutely true cases. We have all probably heard of cases such as these but how many of us are willing to admit to out own similar stupidity? Not me brother! I meant to walk into that solid wooden door because I am conducting an acoustical study into how many different sounds can be categorized as a “thud.” That sound you heard when I was under the table trying to stand up was also part of the same project. I am secretly trying to find out how many lumps on one person can have on their head before they can no longer see strait. I am slowly approaching the state where I can no longer comfortably wear a baseball cap.
My child is in on the act too. She is trying to climb and fall from enough monkey bars, trip over as many curbs, and run into as many objects as she can to accumulate bruises. She’s trying to look like an over ripe banana.
The other woman in my life has always had as an ultimate goal having every part of her body hurt, broken, lumpy, oozing, or wiggling at one time or another during her lifespan. She’s been at it for as long as I’ve known her. Don’t stand next to her or she’ll take you down too. She loves to grab and fall! Her favorite phrase is “aawwwww shhhhhhh…..” I don’t want to say she has a balance problem but she does do a startlingly amusing slick stairway tap dance as anyone I have ever seen! Every time I think she has completed her task of hurting body parts she comes up with another one I’d almost forgot existed on a human being. You haven’t lived until you hear improbable words like “my eye lashes hurt.” “Stop letting the gopher pull them out” I tell her. She doesn’t listen. I’m sure that’s because she has earaches or something.
Human stupidity is never more evident then when watching Jerry Lewis, Jim Carey, or John Belushi in action. Theirs are case studies in the ability to harness observation of stupidity, exaggerate it, and play it back in a manner that has the average shmoe busting a gut. Once hooked we don’t mind shelling out hundreds of dollars to see these genius’ perform the material that we provide them! Who’s yankin’ who?
What passes for wisdom in the modern era is kind of like clutching the wind. You know its there somewhere but the forces of nature won’t let you see it. We all do things that seem out of character from time to time. However a woman’s salon that applies peanut butter instead of toenail polish would be a bit out there! Selling entrance through the pearly gates that guarantees you a spot in heaven is just such an idea whose time has come. There is actually a company who is making this claim. Looking back on my illustrious life I realize its time to belly up and pay!
Just think of all of the things you have done in your lifetime that are contrary to “normal conventions. I don’t mean just the boo-boos that everyone has seen. I mean the truly nonsensical behavior that only your lover and an ER doctor with exceptionally cold hands has ever seen. Who would have thought that would get stuck in there?
For the amount of people on this planet it is rather remarkable that we are not hearing such absurdities excessively and laughing ourselves silly.
Look around you! Why do us overweight types always spend a mere 35 seconds choosing a restaurant? We have the innate ability to pass a local establishment, put our piggish noses in the air, and get a whiff of whether they serve enough calories per square inch in their slap happy deal! We require, by the way, enough caloric intake to make a pachyderm happy. We always select the restaurant with the absolutely worst, greasy, cholesterol raising, artery clogging, heart thickening version of food. Then to counter balance the bad karma we’ve created we all do the same thing. We order a diet soda to go with it!
Just listen to our conversations to see the kind of communication that typifies such farce? “I lost my keys and looked everywhere for them. I finally found them. It’s always in the last place ya look ya know!” That last part has become quite a catch phrase. Well who finds something and keeps looking for it? Of course it’s in the last place you looked you dunce!
This is the kind of stellar logic that we have been instilling in kids for years. They learn more of it in school too. They can’t add, read, or write, but they sure can choose the correct eye popping ensemble to impress the recess crowd! They can’t play dodge ball anymore because someone might get hit by the ball and their face could fall off. You can’t let 'em swing from the swing set too high or they might go too far, fall off, and bruise their tush. Apparently all of those teacher in service day holidays that leave your kids a day off every month is in place so the teachers try to recover. Just try dealing with the least logical of us and you’d end up looking like a teacher too. Their eyes aren’t that wide open because their attentive. It’s because they spend so much time with illogical kids that the stress is forcing their eyes to bulge! There is little wonder why periodically you hear from your kid “I don’t like that teacher! Well guess what kid you’ve driven them to have to have a day away from you ever month just as a reality check! They don’t like you either!
At school ya can’t even let the children walk the hallways during classes any more unless they’re in pairs. This is how all of the adult ladies learned that they can’t go to the bathroom tinkle without a partner in the next stall. That’s why they go to the bathroom in pairs. Guys are not taught this in school. Contrarily boys learn individualism and competition usually in the form of some long distance whizzing competition when the teachers aren’t looking. That is equally remarkable because guys who as children use to wave that thing over the bathroom shelter themselves in the stall so no one will see what they’re hiding! Whatta ya got in there?
In any event all of these amusing behaviors are perpetrated upon ourselves! Whenever self inflicted stupidity rears its head you can bet that there is a partner there laughing with you and a cold handed ER doctor to laugh at you!
posted by Giosue' Santarelli at 12:13 PM
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